It's been one year

It's been one year.


One year of missing my sister,

Of her WhatsApp saying she's sleeping,

Of willing a reply to my last message,

Of heaviness like no other.

One year of struggling to see her son beyond eyes of sadness,

Of wondering who will be next, when and how,

Of horrid intrusive thoughts plaguing my mind,

Of time bending and warping beyond recognition.

One year of reflecting on the happy memories I'm so grateful to have,

Of torturous hindsight, regret and guilt,

Of anger at how much COVID took away from her final years,

Of lightening bolt triggers and tsunami grief waves.

One year of resentment,

Of not understanding how others grieve,

Of not making sense of it,

Of knowing she deserved and deserves better.

One year of clinging onto precious treasures,

Of comforting signs she's never far,

Of being guided by her presence,

Of bringing her with me.

One year of replaying final words and moments,

Of forgetting and reliving the pain,

Of so much left unsaid, unshared, undone,

Of love with nowhere to go.

It's been one year.