Mum guilt is one of those wonderful things commonly discussed when talking about parenthood. Endlessly giving ourselves a hard time for every single decision we make, judging ourselves by unrealistic expectations, reinforced by supposed “perfect” families on Instagram, leaving us with constant residual feelings of not being good enough. Sound familiar?
Due to ALL of the things happening during my pregnancy, I seem to have developed a niche type of mum guilt - the one you get before I’ve even gone into labour. I call this ‘premature mum guilt’.
Already, before my little nugget has taken their first breath of air, I’m giving myself a needlessly hard time about my parenting skills and the situation they are being born into.
What am I feeling guilty about?
My C-PTSD diagnosis taking focus away and distracting me from this moment.
I’ll likely struggle with PND and really don’t know how I’ll handle my mental health at the same time as learning to be a mum.
Not yet having warm exciting fuzzy maternal feelings about imminent motherhood.
Not feeling any nesting instincts kicking in.
Being really good at forgetting to take my pregnancy supplements in the first trimester.
Being berated by the midwife at my booking in appointment for my BMI being 0.6 over their upper limit, and the barrage of scary health advice given, stirring up old disordered eating feelings.
Being berated by the same midwife for not magically knowing my BMI and family history of spina bifida meant I should have been taking a significantly higher dosage of folic acid for the first 12 weeks. This appointment was at 12 weeks + 5 days.
Being so stressed I’ve really had to try not give in to my normal response of not eating. Some days it’s been a battle to keep food down or want to eat at all.
At 16-weeks I treated myself to my previous standard Friday night bottle of wine, demolishing the lot and completely forgetting I was pregnant. Oops!
Not being very active throughout pregnancy.
Not having any savings due to various circumstances over the last 9 months.
Having poorly parents on both sides of the family, who probably won’t be able to be the active support or fun grandparents I would love my baby to have. I had some great adventures and wonderful memories of my Nan and Grandma, it saddens me it’s unlikely my own kids will have this as they grow up.
Wanting to press pause on my pregnancy (several times) when life has become too overwhelming, despite how much this baby is wanted and loved already. The thought of adding a new tiny person to the stress and chaos at home has felt reckless.
Grieving for my life pre-pregnancy and pre-pandemic, lots of drinks, socialising, meals out, cinema trips, weekend breaks, spontaneity. It feels like a long time ago when things were “normal” and I didn’t have to consider some form of restrictions. Now, I’ll not get that back and I’ve not really had an opportunity to say bye or close that chapter of my life.
I’m hoping most of these guilts will disappear when Nugget is born. No doubt, ready to be replaced by whole new ones.
(Also, watch The Guilt Trip. Seth Rogan and Barbara Streisand. It’s a glorious guilty pleasure).