“You’re glowing” seems to have become the generic compliment to give a pregnant person. Whilst this is probably appropriate in some lucky people’s cases, for me, it couldn’t have been further from the truth. My glow has been distinctly dimmed and far FAR away from the picture perfect #preggoglow insta inspo I’ve felt pressured to attain.
Any time anyone has told me “you’re glowing” I’ve wanted to tit slap them for the absurdly cliched compliment when the reality was the exact opposite.
My “glow” has mainly looked a lot like:
Morning sickness weeks 7-9 so bad even couldn’t keep water down
Baby sapping all the water in my body, leaving my skin looking like I’ve had a heavy few weeks drinking, limbs are like a scaly lizard
Heartburn. So much heartburn. I’ve drunk over £150 worth of Gaviscon over the last few months, carrying a bottle around like a little chalky hipflask. Now I get it if I’ve eaten too much, if I’m hungry, if I eat something plain, if I eat something rich, if I’m stressed, if I think about food, and even if I look at a pizza box.
Wind. Never burped or farted like it. Honestly. I’m kinda impressed with this one.
Constipation. Feeling backed up when a baby is simultaneously all up in your ribs and tap dancing on your bladder is a dream.
Pelvic floor failure, made worse after a hideous 4-week long cough at the end of my second trimester. Right now, I’m lucky if sneeze, cough or vom without a little bit of wee making an appearance.
Involuntary old man noises any time I need to stand up, sit down, grab something off the floor, lean to get my brew off the coffee table, roll over, or any other basic form of regular movement.
Being so uncomfortable in bed, winding down for the night involves a 15 minute wriggle routine closely resembling an exorcism. It’s been so bad it’s forced my long-suffering partner onto the sofa for most of the third trimester. Which tbh, I’m not going to begrudge having a king-size bed to myself.
Restless arms and legs so bad I’m like kermit the frog on acid every damn night.
Snoring. I’ve woken myself up with my nasal noises at least once a week for the last 6 months.
I have not been able to look down and see my vulva without nearly spraining my neck for about 5 months. No clue how she’s doing down there. 99% likely a full grizzly by now.
Hot flushes. Every time my partner turns around while we’re watching TV I’m a little bit more naked. Made even more glamourous when I’m on my bouncy ball. Beautiful images.
Speaking of naked, from third trimester, my body has pretty much an orb with legs. Imagine if Mike Wazowski had 2 eyes and wasn’t green.
Surprise stretch marks in places I didn’t think you could get them. Mainly my boobs which now look like two plasma globes you could find in a science lab.
Whilst I know “ you’re glowing” comes from a kind place, use it in my company at your peril. No-one wants a tit-slap.